it wasn't lemon gatorade
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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