got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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