You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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