I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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