i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
