apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
