Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
