there's paper in my vomit.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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