I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize