I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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