I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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