and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im just a social blackout drinker.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
