Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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