Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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