it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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