I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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