Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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