Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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