This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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