i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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