Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
