I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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