I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
