just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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