Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
