I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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