I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize