No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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