Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
