I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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