We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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