i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
