dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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