Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
whose ass print is on the piano?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
