The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
