you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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