is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
