bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
