I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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