i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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