i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize