with your own penis?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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