Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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