Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize