Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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