i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
