how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
