My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
should my penis look like a turkey
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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