she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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