just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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