I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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