Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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