So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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