The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize