Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
