i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
