bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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