I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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