everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
