my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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