You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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